A Change of Heart "Letting Go of Bad Habits"

Did you ever wonder if the person in the picture is the same one you see when you look in the mirror?  Did you ever wonder that once in a relationship with someone you say you truly love, it will last a lifetime?  Those are questions that people ponder.

We constantly evolve and in our evolution, change comes; we age, we mature, we become more wise.  We some times have a change of heart.  We're simply not the same people we were in our teens; the happy go-lucky kid who didn't have a care in the world.  There it is..."care" in the world.  With the cares of this world, we take on so much that it can begin to change the way we think, the way we see ourselves and the way we see others.  We all want happiness and peace for our lives and in order to receive them, we have to learn when to keep some things and when to release or let go of others for our own survival.  Whether you want to admit it or not, we all have a few bad habits that we know we need to "Let Go" of.    I have a bad habit of not filling my tank up with gas.  Friends constantly tell me, "LaTonya, it is better on the car that you fill your gas tank up.  Also, it prevents you for having to put gas in your tank everyday."  I hear it over and over again, but my "bad" habit was....I would not fill my gas tank up even though I knew it was for my good.  The question is, "why didn't I?"  I had to dig down and ask myself that question.  It became a bad habit of mine because I looked at gas stations as wasting my time, "I had to go".  You may shake your head but I guarantee you have something.  What is your bad habit? 

With that bad habit, many of us want relationships but are not willing to let go of selfishness.  The older we get, the more we tend to hold on to our bad ways.   How do we "let it go?"  First we have to recognize the bad habit, then we have to be willing to release it and work on the release, consciously.   I literally now go the gas station and make myself fill up the tank!  It has been my struggle but I'm getting there...

We then have to allow people who truly love us make us accountable.   If you find yourself around someone who is constantly tearing you down about your bad habit or blaming you, that's not a good look and the truth be told, something is going on with them that they haven't dealt with.  We all have right connections and you want to make sure you align yourself with the right connection destined for you.  Don't try to make a square fit in the round circle.  Have enough faith to believe the right fit will come and you will receive the ultimate abundance for your life.  

I am willing to let go of bad habits, but I'm not willing to allow one to take advantage of self.  We all are damaged goods, no man is perfect.  But there is so much in store for us if we learn to let go of the bad and embrace the good and "life."  Take a moment and reflect on the things you want to see changed in your life, the things you desire and even the places you'd like to experience.  Every morning, meditate on those things, open yourself up to truth and faith.  Your heart can be renewed, it can be repaired, it simply can RECEIVE!

Declare it!

This blog was written by the founder of Real Talk the Movement, LaTonya Washington

LaTonya Washington, Founder

Sex, Love & Celibacy....

Eat the Apple (Photo by Will Sterling during our Alter Ego Photo Shoot)

Is it possible to have peace of mind and be in a relationship without avoiding sex, love or marriage? Have you ever wondered if things would have been different with that possible true mate if you waited before giving up the "cookies?"  Does it really matter in the mind of a man if a woman becomes physically intimate with him prior to the "relationship?"  As a woman, how do you view a man who comes at you physically before really getting to know you?

Just the other day, I had a great conversation with a close friend and we talked about celibacy.  He asked, what is the definition of it?  I said it is to abstain from sex.  He then asked, does that mean to abstain from intercourse with another person or abstain from any type of sexual pleasure?"  At that point, he made me put my thinking cap on.  Though I have my personal views on sex, love & celibacy, I'm always curious about what other people say about it.  People have different definitions of celibacy, just like fasting.  Some people go on a water fast, some a TV fast, no sweet fast, etc.  Do people view celibacy the same way?  Boy I can't wait for the next Real Talk the Movement!
It takes immense self-discipline to abstain from anything.  No one is immune. So how can the ordinary person cultivate peace of mind, serenity, psychological and emotional stability while at the same time engaging in a relationship that is full of passion and chemistry? 

This thing called Love and Relationship entails many attributes.  It takes those persons involved to be honest, upfront and state how they feel about certain things as it relates to sex, celibacy, family, finances, and more if they look for their relationship to proceed. 

Do know, never feel you have to have sex with someone to get them to fall in love with you...it does not work.  Love is a many splendid things but there is much more to it than just sexual intimacy BUT it does require intimacy.  If you choose to be celibate, be okay with it.  If you choose to have a sexual relationship, be okay with it.  You simply need to know what you want to do that no form of manipulation was involved.  Sex, Love & Celibacy.....join in on the conversation!

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Bond or Not to Bond...That is the Question!

All people desire love,  not only do they desire it, I believe they want to give it.  How they give it and receive it is another story.

This past month at Real Talk the Movement IE and LA, we had the opportunity to go from the dating phase to the bonding phase with the definition and understanding of both.  It was unanimous that most people date for the following reasons:

• Have fun with someone
• To find "the one" for relationship/marriage
• To have Sex
• Nothing else to do but eat dinner with someone other than being by yourself, 
• etc.

It was unanimous that to bond, you have to give the following:

• Time
• Attention
• Imagination
• Sacrifice
• Friendship
• Acknowledgement that the two parties involved choose to go to the next level of the relationship
• etc

If man was not made to be alone, but we are finding ourselves by ourselves,  according to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, there is a problem emerging at a drastic rate.  Essentially, people are marrying for the wrong reasons, they have not taken the time to "know" who they are, don't ask each other the "right" questions, fail to discuss goals and don't take the time to prepare and invest in the relationship.  Overall, people do not fully prepare themselves!  It's time to REVERSE the PROCESS!

We have to learn that when dating, be honest with yourself as to why you are dating.  If you are dating with the expectation of relationship and/or marriage, it's okay to discuss it, but know how to discuss it.  Going in as a tyrant is not the answer, that would run anyone away.  Develop the art of speech, we all have different voice tones.

When going from the dating phase to the bonding phase, both parties have to be in agreement; that takes two.  Once again, we falter in relationships because we don't take the time to communicate effectively.   Talk about your goals, your wants, your dreams, your desires.  INVEST THE TIME!   You also have to pay attention to one another which requires listening, ask questions, get an understanding.   Then have an IMAGINATION!  Be creative in the relationship, do something different from the norm, instead of dinner for 2 at the elegant restaurant, drive up the coast, have a picnic overlooking the water.

To go to the next level in relationships, sometimes you have to sacrifice.  But trust me, when you are with the person you want to be with, you WILL become selfless and will begin to think about their needs and desires without jeopardizing your own.  The foundation of it all is the FRIENDSHIP!  You can't bond without it.

So, as you go throughout your journey know that in order to have a lasting relationship, it requires you to bond, bonding requires you to talk, talking requires you to open up, opening up requires some vulnerability and the vulnerability requires trust....  We're not designed to be alone, it's going to come up sooner or later, but whether now or later, be prepared.

This blog was written by the Founder of Real Talk the Movement
LaTonya Washington

Have you heard about Real Talk the Movement? 

I CAN ONLY IMPART TO YOU IF I'M A PART OF YOU...

Have you ever taken an entire day just for you?  I mean to make yourself a nice breakfast, go to the gym, come home take a shower, jump back in the bed if you want to, read a good book, meditate or watch some long overdue TV episodes?  Some times you just have to DO IT for your sanity.  Are you part of a community of people who you simply love to be around, engage in great conversation, give, receive and in a place where possibly your wounded places are healed or you help others heal their wounds? As a matter-of-fact, what do You do for fun---or do you know what fun is?

Today was one of those days for me where I had an entire day lined up and simply made a decision, to sip my coffee, read a good book and write this blog.   I'm learning to enjoy me, to be grateful for my family and those who are close to me, engage with my Real Talk the Movement Family either via Facebook or in person at our forums, go to a Taco Tuesday, hit the beach, simply loving self and others.

Every day I am becoming more and more appreciative of my surroundings, knowing what makes me happy, my likes and dislikes.  It took time to get here and I am so glad I went through the journey of getting to my no more Meantime but walking into my Destiny, My continued Journey.

We Give and are Given To

Every one has a journey, we're individuals part of a community.  Our job is to bring Glory.  We are to be Speakers of Life, Encouragers, People of Substance. All journeys are not the same, just as every snowflake that falls from the sky is not the same...but derive from the same molecules, falling on different areas of soil, nourishing that soil.  We are communal, we are not to hide our gifts from others under a bushel.  So no more hiding.  Remember, there is a community coming up behind us.....what will you impart.....


This blog was written by the Founder of Real Talk the Movement
LaTonya Washington

Soul Tie, Spiritual Tie, whatever you call it....It's a Tie!

Real Talk the Movement Los Angeles

Did you ever ask yourself, what made me get involved with him or her?  Why does my energy seem to want to connect with them?  The answer is:  You've just experienced a spiritual connection.  Whether it turns out to be a great connection or not so great, a lesson within was to be learned.   Because of life, we develop relationship flaws which bring out trust issues, put conditions on love and withdraw from affection.  If you are willing to be open and learn, life has a way of bringing one back to its origin.....Truth.  Do know, we are spiritual beings.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to learn from those who come into your life, whether on a friendship level, romantic level or life partnership level.  Every so often, take some time and look at your relationships and evaluate why this person is here or what have I learned from them. The lessons, which are sometimes extremely difficult for us, should be seen as a higher purpose.  We see that how we choose to react or choose to participate to the relationship reflects the spiritual journey of love, trust, and understanding. We also understand that there are many aspects to the relationship

Respecting what comes from the spiritual connection allows us to have an attitude of appreciation.  This can aid us along our journey of understanding one another.  We are all connected, dots connecting dots.  As noted, Life Finds a Way....  Find Your Way Today!

Blog written by Founder of Real Talk the Movement, LaTonya Washington

Real Talk the Movement: What Makes You Attractive

Real Talk the Movement: What Makes You Attractive: In my years of discussion with young ladies as well as the more mature ladies, the question would always arise, what are the things that are...

What Makes You Attractive

In my years of discussion with young ladies as well as the more mature ladies, the question would always arise, what are the things that are attractive to you when it comes to the opposite sex?  Many of the younger ladies would say, give me a man with a little bit of roughness or a "rough neck."  In their mind, the rough neck is one who makes them feel  protected and you never knew what to expect.

In my discussion with men, many seem to like a lady with a bit of roughness to her too.  You would hear, "give me a woman who can act like a lady in public but a "hoe" in the bedroom.  Hey, don't hurt the messenger, this is simply what they've told me in some Real Talk discussion.  Heads up ladies, men tend to marry the "good girl," a combination of angel with a little bit of devil.  So let's focus in on THAT GIRL!  Who is she:  She is the following:

Charity Frank, Model and Real Talk Attendee

• Lively!  She is simply fun, full of life, able to make one open up and is a challenge.  She is not one who walks around like a little nun. 
•  
• Confident/Attractive:  Ladies, men are visual and love attractive women but they look for a woman who is confident and believe they are beautiful.  
• 
  
• Attentive:  Men love women who show them attention, acknowledgement and adoration. So ladies, pay attention to the man you are dating, take notes.
• 
  
• Respectful:  That is key, no one wants to be disrespected and this is big for men.
• 
  
• Attainable:  There is a way of being attainable and not simply loose.  Have fun, show your true self, be inviting and allow yourself to be free enough to communicate.  
• 
  
• Challenging:  Anything worthwhile is worth chasing.  Do what you do, enjoying your life, your interests and activities.  You don't always have to be available because if you are, you no longer become challenging.  The man should never be your one and only thing in life.  So, Get a Life!

At the end of the day, be who you are and what is for you will come to you if you are open to it.  No one wants to be with someone who they have to pretend to be with.   But guess what, if you have a life, you are GREAT!  Someone's always watching.

Watch the Aftershow from The Heart of a Man

Blog Written by Founder of Real Talk the Movement, LaTonya Washington

Black on Black Love

This year, I've observed a lot of engagements, nuptials and gatherings and it has been a beautiful feeling. I'm an advocate for healthy relationships and great marriages and glad to see that there are people who yet take it serious and are willing to step out into the deep and try it AGAIN!  It seems as though LOVE is in the AIR this season!

For years, we've heard the tail of successful black women unable to find good black men.  The reality is, both are there, successful great black women as well as successful great black men....we simply have to look deeper into the souls of one another and allow what's meant to fit FIT!  Black love is strong, it runs deep, it can withstand the test of time, simply have a discussion with some of the grandmothers and grandfathers out there.  They will tell us that it takes sacrifice and a willingness to give self to your partner, freely. 

We have to begin to go past the outer surface of what we see and dig into the real person within.  Love one another not for what we can get or because they look good on our arm(the trophy), but because we get to the root.  I'm reminded of Avatar when they said...."I see you."  Do you see love when you look at a potential mate or do you simply view them as a knock off?  Do you see purity when you look at your fellow brotha or sista or do you simply view as someone being worthless, at the bottom of the barrel with no potential?  We have to see one another for goodness but we first have to stop the facade of pretending to be something that we're not.  If you're hurting, stop pretending that you are healed;  if you're scared, stop pretending to be so strong; if you're ready for love, stop pretending that you don't want to be with anyone.  There is someone waiting with open arms to talk with you, share with you, listen to you and make you feel safe.  There is strength and power in love.  We need one another to not only survive, but to be fruitful in all areas of our lives.  I say LET'S DO THIS and that's my REAL TALK!



Blog written by LaTonya Washington, Founder of Real Talk the Movement

Don't Wanna Be a Playa' No More......

In life and relationship, you will come across all types of people from those who possess integrity, your procrastinators, those trying to find their purpose, those who know their purpose, and those who we call "the game players."  As you go through your journey of enlightenment, develop wisdom and discernment so you are able to determine the type of people you allow in. 

Today, we are going to deal with what we call "the game player" and if this is you, remember you are playing with the heart of another.  Signs of a game player:  1.  One who looks to gain through manipulation of another.  2.  One who is evasive in conversation and when asked a particular question, avoids answering.  3.  One who pushes another's self-esteem to the breaking point.  4.  One who makes false accusations to turn the scent another direction and try to make you feel something is wrong with you. 

In your journey of seeking healthy relationships, I cannot stress to you enough the need to have high self-esteem for self.  With that, there are simply certain things that you will automatically recognize and give no folly to.  No one wants their heart to be played with.  Unfortunately, as time evades, there are people who have played or eluded true/real relationships so often, that they continue in a state of conscious and/or unconscious dysfunction.   Understand that you deserve the best and in order to get the best, Be the Best!  Why on earth would you subject yourself to another who would test your ethics and standards as a human being? - that's a self-esteem issue.  Why play silly games based on rules that technically have no rules?  - any standards here?

When you meet people of interest, make friends first and only consider dating after they have proven to be respectful and worthy of you.  In my experience, I've had the highs and lows of relationship and it wasn't until I came to myself, recognized my very own issues, faced them, had my own pitty party for a moment, talked to people, got back up, got off the dating scene for a moment to ready myself, made myself accountable to people of wisdom that I began to see the true maturity.  You see, many many years ago, I was a game player so I recognize the signs and in my game playing, I got played on a few occasions.  Do recognize what you put out, will come back to you.  

If you are a game player and you want to stop, tell yourself, I don't want to be a playa no more and take steps to stop by being honest with self and others.   If you are not a game player and don't want to be played,  know the signs and don't allow yourself to GET played.  But let me reinforce, don't walk around mis-trusting everyone you meet either, that's also an inward issue that you need to deal with.  Simply know the signs and ask for wisdom. 

          Real Talk the Movement panelist, James Sutton, Commentator Eric Gooden of CEO TV
                                   

 This Blog written by Founder of Real Talk the Movement
LaTonya Washington

If These Walls Had Ears "Real Talk Listening Campaign"

Have you ever shared secrets with someone that you felt you could put your full trust in to later wonder if they shared your deep thoughts and concerns with others or if they felt different about you because you shared YOU?  How about sharing your thoughts with a bartender at a club, your hairstylist who you see on a consistent basis, the barber and/or the "therapist?"  Could you be one of the ones who feel a release?

We all need someone to listen, to lean on, care and to share with, otherwise I believe we would drive ourselves NUTS! 

For the Month of May 2012, we decided to call Real Talk the Movement "The Listening Campaign" because there comes a time when we have to stop talking and begin to listen to one another and master the art of listening. This also allows us to really hear one another and hopefully help one another.

Let me share this with you why it is important for us to listen and get some things off our chest.  Years ago, when I was going through divorce (15 years ago to be exact), I decided to get out the house and hang out with close friends.  As I got into my car and began to drive, I began to sink into a depression and a voice told me(definitely wasn't God), just drive your car off the freeway.  Thank goodness I came to myself.  As I got to my destination, I ran to a friend and said, " ******* I almost drove my car off the bridge!"  At that moment, I just knew they were going to encourage me and listen as I spoke.  Quite the contrary, they began to talk about their stuff; it was like they did not hear a word I said and really, "they didn't or simply didn't care." I then realized that was not a true friend, it was a selfish person. I've only shared this with a few people until now because it was something I was ashamed of, but those shameful days are way over.  I'm now hear to encourage! 

Make sure as you go through life, select people who you feel you can trust, who have your best interest at heart and who you feel can advise you wisely.  If you are in a relationship(marriage, girlfriend/boyfriend), you should be able to be open enough to share, share enough to where your mate connects with you and a bond develops.  If you are in something and you feel resistance to share, ask yourself, why am I not able to share my inner most thoughts, concerns, secrets?   Many things can arise but do know a trust issue lies somewhere and it is either on your side or theirs.

RELATIONAL:  A person who truly loves their mate, shouldn't have to keep secrets from them.  Because in order for a relationship to work you must be honest, open and 100% in.   We talk to others because we trust them, we feel they are genuinely concerned about our well being.  Be one who people feel they can share, that you really are concerned and your lips are sealed if they tell you something in confidence.  We all talk but my challenge is that we begin to use discernment and feel one another.

 All I know is, if walls really had ears, hearing aids would be flying off the shelf!  That's Real Talk!

Blog written by LaTonya Washington

Real Talk the Movement: From the Heart of a Man AfterMath LA

Real Talk the Movement: From the Heart of a Man AfterMath LA: Real Talk the Movement LA this past Friday, April 27th, tucked away in the Penthouse downtown Los Angeles from the hustle and bustle of "p...

From the Heart of a Man AfterMath LA

Real Talk the Movement LA this past Friday, April 27th, tucked away in the Penthouse downtown Los Angeles from the hustle and bustle of "party life" where all walks of life dwell, went on a flow that I myself did not know would take; considering I had all my ducks in the row, cue cards and all--much different from that of Inland Empire the Friday Night before at the Hourglass Art and Wine Gallery.  In the IE with Coach Mac Wells, Actor Aric White and Psychologist, Dr. Jeshana Avent Johnson, what stuck out the most for me was this "A man may love spending time with you and love the way you make him feel, but may not necessarily be In Love with You; there is a difference. We were taught so much more.

This night in LA, instead of me starting with "what makes a man give his heart to a woman", I went with "with so many men not necessarily having great role models being raised in single family homes by females ONLY, is it an asset to understanding a woman or a liability when it comes to knowing how to truly love a woman?" 

Our panelists made up of Photographer Tshombe Tshanti, Coach Cornell Ward, Comedian TreLuv as well as Relationship Coach/Expert Ryeal Simms had different responses but ended up in the same arena.  The general consensus was both, an asset and liability.  Our generation can see the sensitive side to a woman and treat her with care which is an asset, but then the liability is....massive manipulation as pointed out by a Washington D.C. gentleman who graced us this Real Talk the Movement; the male gender being able to take the pure essence of a woman and either treasure it or selfishly use it.  We came to the realization that a Man is the protector of his household and will not allow anything or anyone to ruin or taint what he has.  A man's heart holds his thinking, his will, his character.  As a man thinketh, so is he.... So who is this Man (not boy) we speak of?  He is the leader, one who is able to take charge of a situation, puts his family first, treasures his woman and children, will confront a challenge and even though may slip, will continue to fight until that thing is conquered. A man's heart will be given to a woman that he can trust, who makes him feel comfortable, allows him to be honest and open, not judge him, is compatible with, a woman who is confident, secure in who she is, is a team player, and willing to know him as a man and friend. 

So what do we do?  We as women allow our men to go through their own process while we enjoy our very own meantime, fun time, girl time, whatever time you feel like you want to ENJOY!  We pray for them, support them, encourage them as well as listen to them.   Though we deal with much, they do too but on a level that only we can imagine.  This is OUR community and within Our Community, We will stand tall together!  Give anything time and TIME will speak for itself....you simply watch and see!

Blog written by LaTonya Washington

From The Heart of a Man: Can I Love You

From The Heart of a Man: Can I Love You: Since the beginning of time, we long for love, to be loved and to be a part of loving families.  Both men and women seek love and as society...

Can I Love You

Since the beginning of time, we long for love, to be loved and to be a part of loving families.  Both men and women seek love and as society consistently evolves, we have to ask ourselves, has it changed the way we seek after it?  Do we really know what the heart wants or for that matter, do we know our own heart?  We question ourselves time and time again when it comes to matters of love, people, professional career choices, schools, loved ones and the cycle never ends.  We sometimes doubt our own selves in choices that we make, waivering back and forth, right from wrong.

A man's heart is where lies his will, his emotions and/or feelings, one's conscience, his treasure.  In our younger years, we seem to be so free and so open, willing to share love in its pureness, not looking to gain but to give.  But as we age comes the experiences, the issues, the baggage, the hurt, the pain, the change in emotions and the way we treasure self and others.  Where did this come from?  How did we get to this place?  It comes from us not taking time out to know self, jumping from one relationship to another and not learning the lesson.  For this reason, we tend to not give our hearts so readily or freely, yet we long for the same love since the beginning.   

LaTonya Washington, Founder of Real  Talk the Movement

What do we do now?  We begin to release the pain, seek help, take time to know self, know what we want, become accountable to someone.  We begin to develop solid friendships before diving into sex.  We begin to develop patience, faith, love for self and wisdom.  Read a good self help book, go to a therapist, talk to friends, not just any friend, but a wise friend and you can always be a part of Real Talk the Movement!  It is our endeavor that we change the way we think negatively about one another, about self, to enhance the love that dwells within, to wash away the pride, the guilt, the shame and iniquity.  To change a community that once was deprived to now reaping the harvest of their own hands.  This nation is in need of love and here is our chance to give back something that was given to us at the beginning of time.....LOVE!

Follow us at Real Talk the Movement at http://www.realtalktm.org   It's not always what you say but now you say it!  

This blog written by LaTonya Washington